Except for Godfather Part II, sequels normally suck. But, because I’ve gotten such a great response to my last blog, “House Arrest without an Ankle Monitor,” I’m going to continue my list of things I’ve learned from being on lockdown.
—Tom Hanks’ kitchen wasn’t that nice. We are all getting a look into the homes of celebrities, newscasters and politicians, since everything is being done from home now. If you caught SNL last week, Tom was hosting while standing in his kitchen. I was expecting some serious A-lister design. His cabinets were a disappointing, dark wood. Now, I’m sure this was only one of 75 homes for him, but it was a bit of a letdown. Gayle King’s yellow armchairs, that I can see when she hosts “CBS This Morning,” look cozy. Of course I’m wondering if she and Oprah sometimes sip wine in those chairs. And, as for Nancy Pelosi’s full-size Sub Zero fridge next to a full-size Sub Zero freezer, I love ‘em, no matter what her haters say.
—I’ve never had a desire to pose in a picture with a tiger. Does that make me weird? It seemed like the zoo visitors in “Tiger King” had fulfilled a lifetime dream, when they took a picture with any kind of big cat. I’ll admit I’d love a picture with Beyonce or Bono, but I’m okay with not draping my arm around a mane.
—I work out a lot harder when someone tells me what to do. Pre-pandemic, I went to Orange Theory, a class where a coach guides you through a rigorous total body workout. I’d feel like I had just pulled a Mack Truck with my teeth. These days, my runs outside are refreshing and head-clearing, but when, I’m done, most days it’s as if I’ve just finished “Sweatin’ to the Oldies.” I’m not even trying to beat my time from yesterday or do any intervals. I’m pretty much just focusing on what I’m gonna eat as soon as I make it back to my kitchen.
—I still love Pat Benetar. On these runs, I listen to some of my old favorites. Yesterday, “Pat Benetar’s Greatest Hits” was what drove me to finish my regular route with a surprising energy. She rocks out and hits those high notes and holds them for longer than it takes me to shower. “Shadows of the Night” shot me out of my driveway. “Fire and Ice” pushed me up the biggest hill. And, “Hell is for Children” brought me home and made me want to beat the shit out of my kids, who were still sleeping. Aaaahh, I do love Pat.
—We all need to read wisely. As I scroll through Twitter and other time-sucking sites, I pause at a lot of the attention-grabbing headlines. I know it’s Big Brother, Alexa, Mark Zuckerberg and the algorithms that fill my feed with stuff they know will appeal to me. I came across an article called something like, “Our Kids’ Lives Will Never Be the Same Again.” Now, why the fuck would I want to read that? I couldn’t see with my own eyes that my daughter was holding back tears on the couch the day her prom came? Looking in the mirror and seeing the Bride of Frankenstein staring back at me is scary enough these days. Choosing denial over knowledge isn’t the answer, but for now, I’ll take a pass on reading, “Hugging Will Be a Thing of the Past.”
—Mother Nature is being a bitch. She teased us with a couple of warm days during our shelter-in-place. It’s been cold, windy and rainy ever since. We’re all holding on by a thread here, lady. Can’t you grant us some weather that is at least typical for April here in NJ? The 60s is all I’m asking for, so I can sit on my patio.
—Drive-Thrus are not safe. I didn’t read this in a scientific journal. I read it in the Journal of the Obvious. The employee at the window all but reaches into your car. She is not the recommended six feet away from you. She is close enough that she could wipe the ketchup dripping down your face.
—DeBlasio is boring. I seem to catch his press conferences every day and not by choice, by chance. He barely has any intonation in his voice. If you close your eyes, it’s not a bad background for mediation.
—I still don’t know if Fauci is hoarse or has a raspy voice. As the leading scientific expert and spokesperson during the Covid-19 crisis, Dr. Fauci talks and talks and talks. He doesn’t get a break. Savannah Guthrie asked if he was okay, saying, “Your voice does not sound great.” He responded by saying he was physically fine. “All I do all day long is brief people. I just need to keep my mouth shut for a little while, and it will get better.” Though I’ve never heard him speak before this crazy time, I’m still wondering if his normal voice is a kind of gravelly one even in better days.
—“Ozark” sucks. We are all trading binge-worthy shows, and “Ozark” is being thrown around a lot. I had already watched the first two seasons pre-shutdown. I went to watch the third season and just couldn’t do it. I understand that most shows are a bit of a stretch, but I can only buy into so much. I’m supposed to believe that a suburban Chicago couple with absolutely no background in crime gets mixed up with a drug cartel and the mob—and are immediately highly-skilled players? Sorry, stick to having affairs.
—I will never post my high school senior picture on FB. Those of you who’ve posted your puffed-up, spritzed, crispy hair are brave. Thank goodness I don’t have a high school senior graduating this year, so I get a pass. I could be nice and do it in honor of my niece, but, like I alluded to above, I’m struggling these days. Seeing and exposing myself with a curly bob with some kind of bangs and wearing an ugly mint-colored sweater would be a disservice to my already-frail psyche.
I dedicate this to the high school and college students, three of whom I’m raising. It’s not easy to miss proms, study-abroad programs, graduations and even the simple things, like just hanging out with friends and doing nothing. I’m so sorry for you. I really am.
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