Hi. I’m back. A Things I Hate format seems a good way to break back in after a long pause due to laziness, busyness and a creative coma.
So, these are some things I hate:
SARAH FUCKABEE SANDERS: Let’s get the politics out of the way first, and, no, that wasn’t a typo. So, how much does shoveling shit to the press earn a person? I’m gonna guess it’s not enough to make this job worth it. I would hate telling lie after lie after lie to reporters while balancing a Trump turd on my shoulder and wearing a Frau Farbissina face. That would suck more than being Trump’s hair stylist. Sean Spicer figured that out after six months. He may have become an SNL skit, but now he’s on the paid speaking circuit and is probably writing a book. Sanders is still hurling arrows back at the media as she tries her damnedest to spin Trump’s immature and predatory behavior into something rational. So, to sum it up, her job is not Press Secretary but White House Magician.
THOSE ENTRESTO COMMERCIALS: These have destroyed part of my childhood memories, namely the Annie soundtrack. They are the commercials where old people sing “Tomorrow” as they seemingly recover from heart failure. These people are shown in pain and are then shown smiling with their grandchildren, strolling hand-in-hand with their spouses and singing to their dogs. This kitschy ad has all but erased my generation’s happy memories of belting out that song along with the taped voice of Andrea McArdle in her cute red dress. Couldn’t they have come up with a new tune instead of destroying the signature song of a lonely orphan?
MUSHROOMS: I have never liked mushrooms. I find them slimy, ugly and just plain gross. Anything that grows in my lawn that I did not intend to grow in my lawn should not be eaten. Anything that is known as a fungus should also not be eaten. And, finally, anything with the synonym “toadstool” (frog shit to me) should also not be eaten. I know they come in all different varieties and are served in the finest of restaurants, and I know that lots of people absolutely love mushrooms. I just can’t ever see myself coming around to them. My sweet-natured housekeeper brought me a gift of a jar of pickled mushrooms one day. She explained that she had picked them from my lawn and pickled them herself. I smiled and pretended to seem happy to try them. When I saw her next, she asked me if I liked them. I had to come clean, knowing that she would continue to pick mushrooms and make them for me. That’s when I decided I needed to grow cucumbers.
THOSE HIGH HEADS AT SHOWS: When I sit down for a movie or a Broadway show, I secretly pray that a shorter person will sit in front of me. If a tall person shows up, I then wish for a good bit of space between him and the person next to him, in which I have an unobstructed view. I’m simply looking to avoid a constant head tilt, where I have to move my head from left to right during the entire show. My neighbors on either side of me must hate it more than I do, since I’m forced to invade their personal space. The only solution I can come up with is to sit in the first row, but that leads to a different kind of neck pain. Am I too proud to bring an adult booster seat? Amazon sells lots of different models, even ergonomic ones.
VINCENT D’ONOFRIO’S CHARACTER IN LAW AND ORDER: CRIMINAL INTENT: I am a HUGE Law and Order fan. I love ‘em—straight up Law and Order, Special Victims Unit and Criminal Intent. I love Detectives Briscoe and Van Buren, but Benson and Stabler (SVU) are my go-tos: Her level-headedness and compassion balance out his hot-headedness. Then there’re Eames and Goren, which is D’Onofrio’s character. He’s a detective who is obsessed with his job and solving cases. What’s not realistic, however, is that he is the world’s sharpest and smartest man. He can walk into a room, wipe his finger over a dusty windowsill and see and smell things that trained German Shepherds couldn’t. He will then say something like, “This grime on the sill is evidence that our suspect is a left-handed transexual who was born on the island of Corsica and can play Twister well.” His partner, Eames, doesn’t have as much insight but miraculously has a way of not looking stupid as she stands next to him. If he were that super smart, wouldn’t he be in the FBI, CIA or some other kind of undercover operation? Or, wouldn’t he be in some think tank figuring out theorems and formulas? The guy is a cop. Why hasn’t he even been promoted within his precinct? It doesn’t help that I can’t seem to forget D’Onofrio’s role in Mystic Pizza, where he played Bill, Jo’s extremely dumb boyfriend. Maybe that’s why his sharp-as-a-tack character just doesn’t work for me.
I dedicate this blog to you. I know you’re all busy, so thank you for taking the time to read these.
*Names have been changed.
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